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Tough Pigs Yearbook 2003

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Tough Pigs Yearbook 2003

As we look back, we Tough People, at 2003, we have to ask ourselves:

What the heck was I doing that whole time?

This document provides the answers.
From those winter months spent complaining about action figures, to the spring of chasing away crazy stalkers… through the summer of everyone being gay, including the straight people… into that strange fall season, full of goats and minestrone and letters to Santa Claus…
If you were here all year, then this is what you did. If you weren't here, then this is what happened before you got here. Either way: Enjoy, and Happy New Year.
Thanks to everyone who nominated quotes for the Yearbook: Alaina, Anthony, Emmy, Jes, Jog, John, Kevin, Mar, Martha, Michal, Quinn, Ryan R, and Travis.
As for me, the one thing I learned from compiling all this is:

The goat's name is Kevin. I'd completely forgotten about that.

Cool new Hot Topic stuff Jan 1  1228.2
For the love of all that is felt and funny, why the hell do they keep on making that really scary underwear?
[ Jog ]

Underwear poll – women Jan 2  1230.20
You know, I actually do have an opinion on this, which is that I don't have an opinion on it. When it comes to underweared-women, I ain't lookin' at the underwear.
Basically, those of you who are worried your choice of underwear might give the wrong impression are forgetting the simple fact that by the time anybody important sees it, you're pretty much past such trifling matters.
To put it another way:
"Judge ye not a book by its cover; neither shalt thou judge an M&M by the color of its candied shell, for the milk chocolate interior containeth the same sweet flavor regardless. Judge ye not also a woman by the cut or hue of her garments, but keep ye a close eye on any guy in khakis in the middle of April."
[ Jog ]

Underwear poll – men Jan 4  1229.10
"Tough Pigs – Validating Your Choice of Underwear Since 2003"
[ Jog ]
First Chat of 2003? Jan 5  1236.3
It's a good thing I don't go to these chats often, or else I'd have some serious nightmares…
[ Jog ]

Phantasmagoria poll Jan 9  1253.1-4
Your biggest Muppet-related Dream-Come-True for 2003 would be…

Being able to tour the SS studio in NYC

Meeting this _______ Muppeteer

The release of Fraggle Rock episodes on DVD/VHS

Other (do tell!)
MuppetFest2! MuppetFest2!
Of course, in my dream come true, I get to MuppetFest2 and they announce that they've released Fraggle Rock on DVD. Then, I get to meet all the Muppeteers. And they come with me to the TP Extended Natashamas Party, which is being held at Henson World. (It's my imaginary theme park. It kicks Disney World's ass, too.) After the party, I go to Bombay, India, and become a movie star!!!
[ John ]

Muppet Watch Jan 12 1267.1-2

I think it's weird that the first result that comes up on a search for Muppet Watch is this…
Y'know, every time I start feeling down on myself, I look at a site like that, and I realize that my life is very, very full.
[ Jog ]

Kermit on TV Next Week Jan 17  1284.7-8
Ryan R:
I feel like I've already seen enough of Kermit talking about porn. I'd rather see Kermit talk about heroin.
"It's Not Easy Getting Clean"…
[ Jog ]

Playing with Dolls Jan 27 1311.21-22

I liked the spoilers in your deleted post.
I now know something nobody else here knows.
That wasn't a spoiler, I just decided my new joke was funnier.
I reserve the right to erase all past jokes that I've ever made in the event that I can come up with something better, which is why I have a website now instead of a print magazine. Getting all those copies of issue #8 back so I could rewrite the cover story was a real pain.

boing Jan 27  1312.2-4
Some day I hope that they can translate press releases into English.
All I read is "Frog and pig. Blah, blah, blah. Valentine. Blah. German guys. Blah, Blah, blah. Lots of numbers. Blah. Blah."
I know. I'm beginning to feel like a podling whose essence has been drained.
[ Jog ]

I'm a Muppet fan so naturally I live… Jan 28  1277.32
I talk to my Igel Kermit puppet. And when he doesn't talk back, I talk to the imaginary camera crew who came to shoot a documentary about my love for Muppets.
[ Jog ]
Muppet hydrants Jan 28  1314.6
Would a dog that looks like a fire hydrant piss on itself?
[ Jog ]

Happy Birthday Dave! Jan 29  1316.17
I think more of us should post here drunk.
[ Jog ]
Where's Series Two? Jan 30  1268.10-26
Does anyone know how to get Animal's eyebrows to move? Mine are stuck tight.
And don't anyone tell me to stick him in the freezer. While it was nice to have a cold compress right there when I broke my fingernails, the eyebrows never budged.
Ryan R:
Just say something surprising.
No, really – are they supposed to move? The eyebrows on mine sure don't.
That's the rumor.
Can't prove it by me, though.
So what y'all are saying is that I should ask my retailer to open up the Electric Mayhem Stage Playset box first to see if the Animal has moving eyelids or not.
Well, sure, you can ask.
Of course, given the extreme violence that I wreaked on that particular box trying to get it open, your friendly neighborhood Muppet dealer may take a pass.
The eyebrows on mine move perfectly. I didn't think they did at first, but I kept at it until I got them to move.
That's what I did with my EB Piggy arm, and within the first three minutes out of the box, I broke it right off! Animal would look awfully silly without his eyebrows, wouldn't he?
Well, in what was officially my last attempt to move the damn eyebrows, I pulled Animal's head off. I've put it back on, but that's it. I'm done.
My Animal's eyebrows move just fine. It's the drum set I wound up breaking.
No no Nate, that's beat drums, not eat drums!

Zoe's tutu Feb 1  1325.14-16
Hey, "Luis' Tutu" would make a pretty good band name.
ARGH! Not you, too!
Hey! "ARGH! Not you too!" would make a great band name!
[ Jog ]

Muppet Snub Feb 4  1335.16
[ re: playing Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz ]
The only thing we weren't able to do was set me on fire, which I was really looking forward to. Damn safety rules.

Community / Party Feb 4  1323.37
Oh, a demented gypsy violinist is a person in your neighborhood…
[ Jog ]

Which Came First? Feb 4  1332.13-15
Apparemment il peut être aussi utilisé comme la lotion de corps!
I love it when you talk dirty to me.
Damnez, obtenez une salle!
[ Jog ]
Happy Birthday Joggy and ELMO! Feb 4  1338.10
I think it's time for a rousing game of Tickle Me Joggy.
Where do you think his most ticklish spot is?
[ Jog ]

Playing with Dolls Feb 18  1311.41-42
I loved the latest installment, but something was buggin' me… figured it out and it was "receipt." Spelled wrong. Unless that was on purpose, in which case, I don't get it.
Just a simple spellimg mistake.
Oh, ok.
Just don't let it slip by when you're in The New Yorker.
Ryan R:
"Playing with Dolls" is going to be in The New Yorker? Cool! Finally, a New Yorker cartoon I can understand!
Danny, this is the best comic strip about two men moving into a new house with tons of Muppet stuff I have ever read.
Thank you, it's been a lifelong dream.
[ Jog, John ]

Sesame cage match Feb 18  1384.1-4
 Follow That Bird
 Elmo in Grouchland
Isn't this kind of like asking…
 Sharp stick in the eye?
 Foot massage?
That's the next cage match.

[ Emmy ]

Survivor Feb 21  1371.31
Why do gay people go on national television if they're going to be closeted? Why not just stay home and lie to your parents in person?

White Tuxedo Rowlf Lottery March 6  1442.1-11
Oh boy, am I a happy boy today.
All I have to do is join the Palisades Collector's Club – that's $30 – and then I get to send in my name and maybe (if I'm really lucky) I'll be chosen to give them $15 for a Rowlf figure where the tuxedo is painted white! Hoo doggies! I must be wearing my lucky overalls today.
And – as they point out in the e-mail – even though that's a little pricey, it's still a huge savings over the people who bought plane tickets to go all the way to New York to get one at some convention or other. So I'll be one-up on those feebs.
Oh, and they also helpfully explain that even though they gave these toys away for free at the convention, it's only fair that they're charging for them now. Their explanation: "costs." That's it. Just "costs."
Apparently, in Palisades Language, "costs" translates to "Let's paint the tuxedo blue next time and see if we can get them to pay $20 for it!"
Why don't they just capture Muppet fans in big nets, turn us upside down and shake all the change out of our pockets? Then at least they could tag us and return us to the wild in some humane way.
Hey Danny, I've got an idea. Why don't you not pay Palisades the $30 for the membership, not pay them the $15 for the figure, not get the figure, and not complain?
Sorry if that sounds a bit snippy, but I can't for the life of me understand what you're complaining about.
No, you're completely right. I don't know what I'm complaining about half the time either.
Seriously, I was extremely tired when I posted this last night, and in the cold light of day, I just can't justify it at all. That'll teach me to read e-mails from Palisades just before I go to bed.
No, Danny, you are right in a way. I too think it sucks that I'm in a club to have a chance at getting a figure.
Yeah, maybe, but "lucky overalls"? What the hell does that mean?
It's a good thing I don't drink.
Drunk posts could be interesting.
Or we could have a drunk chat night.
As long as we're all nude again. I missed out on the naked chats.
Naked Intoxicated Chat!
I'm always up for that. I'll bring my lucky overalls.

Farscape: We're So Confused March 25  1476.31
Ryan R:
Regarding the "bottom third" ads: I'd like to shove a TV up the bottom third of whoever came up with that brilliant new way to force us to look at ads.
[ Anthony ]

Post your Photo here April 8  1536.32-40
I've been here a few weeks, just don't post much.
I'm waiting for Danny's TP gay dating site…
This is my TP gay dating site. I allow other people to use it for other purposes as well, just to be friendly about it.
I think it's broken. I haven't gotten a date off of here yet.
I have. But unfortunately I'm straight, so it didn't work out all that well.

Ugly Toys Pageant Winners! April 16  1573.8
Props to everyone. It's my professional medical opinion that we Tough Pigs are some funny sons of bitches.

[ Emmy ]

Did you miss me? April 22  1593.5-11
Jes: [ to Danny ]
Pucker up hot stuff!
I'd get in a jealous rage if 1) Danny weren't gay, and 2) I got into jealous rages.
"If Danny Weren't Gay" sounds like a Sesame Street song to me.
If Danny weren't gay

How sad the world would be

The boys would all be flirting with him


I love him so, I just don't know

How I'd get through the day

If Dan-ny were-n't


Probably written by Jeff Moss and sung by Grover.

Real Names Club April 26  1590.39
I've had multiple personalities too, but they're all named Danny, which tends to confuse people.

Muppets on Bloopers and Flubs April 30  1638.3-4
You'd think someone at Henson would let the rather substantial web fan base know when something like this is happening…
You'd think Henson would have a web site that didn't feel like going on a roller coaster with the flu and an arrow stuck in your leg.

[ Emmy ]

Who wants old ladies? Oh I do! May 1  1641.20-21
Ryan R:
I'm not a woman or a gay man -- so I don't watch Lifetime, for fear that I'll be arrested by the demographic police. That's the same reason I don't watch BET – I'm not black. And the reason I don't watch the Golf Channel –- I'm not a golfer.
Well, I watch Cartoon Network and Animal Planet, so that must make me a cartoon animal.

Potpourri of observations May 1  1651.1-23
Ryan R:
Does it confuse kids when celebrities they don't know show up and the characters act like they've known them forever? Zoe and Elmo seemed to have quite casual friendships with James Gandolfini and Edie Falco, respectively. Three-year-old kids don't know who those people are.
I think it would be even more confusing for kids if Elmo explained that James Gandolfini is an actor who plays a Mafia godfather.
Ryan R:
Now that would be something. "Mr Soprano is a mob boss! He has people whacked!" Then they could sing "A Mob Boss is a Person in Your Neighborhood."
I believe you mean "A Legitimate Businessman is a Person in Your Neighborhood."

Asteroid named after Mister Rogers May 19  1783.72
It would be funny if Mister Rogers hit the Earth, wiping out all mankind.

[ Emmy ]

I got an email from a Muppeteer's wife! May 19  1783.72
Here's what she had to say:
Dear "Radionate":

This is Noel MacNeal's wife. I really don't know why you'd say Noel is gay, based on a photo. It seems pretty weird to me, although I think our lawyer would call it "libel."

Speculating on Muppeteers' sexual orientation is disrespectful. Please stop.
Susan MacNeal

A notice to newcomers and converts… May 20  1792.6-9
I've always imagined that if there is ever another MuppetFest there would be an MC/TP turf war. And we would snap our fingers and dance around each other, and it would be just like West Side Story.
When you're a Pig,

You're a Pig all the way

From your first PVC

To your last Palisades

When you're a Pig,

If the polls hit the fan,

You got family around,

To say "It's not so bad!"

You're never alone,

You're never disconnected!

You're home with your own:

When trolls are expected,

You're well protected!
Then you are set

With the letters TP,

Which you'll never forget

Till they cart you away.

When you're a Pig,

You stay a Pig!

Oh, when the Pigs fall in at the Muppetfest dance,

We'll be the sweetest dressin' gang in pants!

And when other fans dig us with our Tough Pig smiles,

They're gonna flip, gonna flop, gonna drop just like flies!

When you're a Pig,

You're the hippest in town,

You're the Sesame Street kid

Wearing King Alan's crown!

When you're a Pig,

Nothin's better than this:

Little frog, you're a Robin;

Little Robin, you're Kermit!

The Pigs are in gear,

Our keyboards are clickin'!

The rest should steer clear

Cause the other forum's full of lousy chickens!

Here come the Pigs

Like Animal's yell,

Someone ruins our party,

Someone don't feel so well!

Here come the Pigs:

Little minds, step aside!

Better go back to school,

Cause you're not worth our time!

We're drawin' the line,

So keep your typin' hidden!

We're hangin' a sign,

Says "Idiots forbidden"

And we ain't kiddin'!
Here come the Pigs,

Yeah! And we're growin' fast

Ev'ry day is more fun

Than all of the last!

On the whole!





[ Jes ]

I got an email from a Muppeteer's wife! May 22  1783.45
I think the bad mood will pass even faster if we just give the folks who feel pissed off a little space to feel pissed off, without jumping on them about it. I'm comfortable with some more venting if people need to do it, cause I know we'll move on.
This is the good place, the safe place. At least, that's what I want it to be. To me, that means safe for the occasional crankiness – and the person who's irritated by the crankiness – and the person who makes a funny joke based on that person's irritation. It's all cool.
Damn, my meds must be kicking in at last. I feel like Yoda today.

[ Emmy ]

I got an email from a Muppeteer's wife! May 22  1783.72
That's kind of an unwritten rule for me at TP, that I can be as nasty as I want if I hate somebody's work, but I don't write about the people personally. Mostly that's because I don't know those people, and I haven't even met most of them, so it would only be repeating third-hand gossip anyway.
(The only exception for me being talking about how hot somebody is. If we can't gossip about the hot people, then what's the point of having friends at all, is my basic opinion.)

Real Names Club June 1  1590.69
Why do I bother to click on links when I know that the only thing waiting for me is a picture of phlegm?
It must be some kind of uncontrollable internet reflex.

Muppet Survivor June 5  1876.1-15
At the request of a few fans, we now begin Muppet Survivor.
For the next seven days, you'll have an opportunity to choose who you vote off Muppet Island. State your reasons below of why you choose a particular character. Everyone can only vote once.
Oscar the Grouch

Kermit the Frog

Miss Piggy

Red Fraggle

Big Bird

Cookie Monster

Fozzie Bear

Rowlf the Dog

Sam Eagle

Junior Gorg

The Great Gonzo


I'll vote for Mister Scrooge, even though he is stingy, and badly dressed.
There's no Mr Scrooge in Muppet Survivor!
I vote for Mr Scrooge too. I didn't like the way he treated Bean. Asking him to buy a turkey. How patronizing was that.
There's no Scrooge here. Only the Muppets in the game.
I think this could be more exciting and interactive if people participated AS a character and had to role-play to vote the others off.
I think it would be more exciting if we got together to roast a pig and sing Boom-Shakala-ka. Yum!

Looking for a couple of Muppet pics June 12  1892.8-9
I thought Muppaphone was the name of the instrument, like xylophone.
So if I kidnapped you and your family and tied you down to an instrument, I could call it the "Roephone," but once you got free, I bet you'd be pissed if anyone thought that was your real name.
Not that I'm planning to do that. I'm not. If it happens, it'll be on the spur of the moment.
Ryan R:
You think that's funny, but no one was laughing when that guy broke into our house and played "The Girl From Ipanema" on us.
[ Michal ]

The Geek Test June 15  1921.1-38
Isha: 35.7%

Erik: 29.2%

Carolyn: 26.8%

Quinn: 22.2%

Julia: 21.9%

Alaina: 21.7%

Danny: 21.6%

Ryan R: 19.5%

Scott: 19.5%

Martha: 19.3%

Tom: 19%

Emmy: 18.3%

Nate: 8%

Jes: 6.3%

Journey to Another Ernie June 16  1893.34-42
Danny: [ to BERTVONBRAUN ]
My last word: You are Hester, and I claim my five pounds. Tah-dah!
And she would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling Tough Pigs!
Thank Frog! Cause I was totally annoyed. If I had to put up with that posting, I would go smack out of my mind.
I know, she's a little ray of sunshine, isn't she?
She's currently e-mailing me as "BertVonBraun" and patiently explaining to me that she isn't Hester. Here's a sample from today's mailbag:
> It pains me to see you print untruths. And so, out of a

> longstanding respect for you, I am bothering to tell you one more

> time, deep down from the bottom of my necessarily-anonymous heart:


> I am not Hester.


> The end.

Fun, yeah? She's out of her mind.

What will be the next Henson TV show? June 25  1976.1-16
What will be the next Henson TV show?
-- The New Muppet Show
-- The Johnny Bravo Mamas (the new animated Henson series)
-- Jim Henson's Muppets (the new series with really old Muppet characters)
-- Jim Henson's Prehistoric Mammals
-- The Next Muppet Movie
Jamie Pez:
Have these options been mentioned in press releases or something?
What's Johnny Bravo Mamas?
Perhaps you don't understand. It's a spinoff of Johnny Bravo on Cartoon Network. It actually needs a little work. You see, I'm making up a pilot and an episode guide to contain each character:
In the Beginning
Season 1:
1. The Big Marathon (Julie) / Kitchen Crisis (Trixie & Debbie)

2. Julie's Soccer Game (Julie) / The Driving Test (Marcela & Trixie)

3. Hospitalized (Debbie)

4. Whatever Happened to Julie Herschbaum? (with Debbie, Trixie, Gia, and Simone)

[ … ]

13. The Age of Aquarium (Julie & Debbie)

Season 2:
14. Meet More Girls

15. Masked Mamasitas Everywhere! (Sheila)

[ … ]

25. Everybody Loves Aunt Katie (with Trixie)

26. The Robot House (the whole cast)
I also contain the character guide about the girls from every episode of "Johnny Bravo."
I am sure that this series will be directed by Brian Henson, produced by Lola Bunny's voice actress Kath Soucie and created by Van Partible, creator of Johnny Bravo.

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